Four months ago, I read through some of the old stories I documented about us, about our almost eight years together. Reliving those old memories brought a smile to my face despite the hardship I was going through, and ever since then, I picture your face in the back of my mind whenever I need support. It’s been nearly six years since I’ve last seen your familiar face, and it’s been six years too long.
It’s incredible how much you’ve changed my life. So much of who I am today is a reflection of you, for better or worse. Thanks to you, I don’t take no for an answer and I refuse to settle. I know you felt the same way too, but you’re living proof that sometimes we just can’t have it all. It was you and I against the world for a while, wasn’t it? We stumbled and crawled through the concrete jungle of the most amazing city in the world and lived to tell. I always knew that you were a thrill seeker and storyteller, just like me. Juan said it best: Kai always tells the same stories, but every time he tells it, it’s just a little bit different! Life was exciting for so many years, full of drunken fun and wild nights, but we both knew it had to end some day.
Thanks to you, I’m not only stronger both mentally and physically, but I have also learned to appreciate the goodness and beauty in life. The world is a horrible place, I’m reminded of that every time I watch you work, but I’m hopeful for humankind and motivated by the effort that you and others like you have put into righting the wrongs. Secretly, I had always pictured you as a big ol’ pitbull with lockjaw: you’re locked on life, and for many years, you were locked on me. You taught me to enjoy every moment as though it was both the first and the last. You saw through the eyes of a child, and yet you bore the pain of decades of suffering. Did you ever realize that much of that suffering was self-inflicted? You were so violently self-destructive. I watched it happen countless times over and over again, watched you cut yourself up into a million pieces inside, then I waited by the sidelines to pick you up off the muddy floor and sew you together to get you ready for another day.
If there ever was a wonder to behold, it was you. I loved and hated you, but mostly I was obsessed, possessed. You said we were each other’s drugs, that we were addicted to the love and pain we inflicted on one another. You were right, because my feelings for you couldn’t be as simple as love. When I stood by your side, I was alive, high on life! And as I said to you so many times before, I am unable to breathe, to really take in a full lung of air, until you wrap me in one of your enveloping hugs. We were spiritually bound, and I felt every drop of your pain, sadness, happiness, success. When I looked into your well-wrinkled eyes, I was blown away by the love I saw in them, the tenderness and the understanding. Despite your crass language, rebellious behavior, dangerous undertones, ‘me against the world’ attitude… you were just looking to be understood. Would you believe me if I told you that I can still see those loving eyes today in my mind, and that the image of you keeps me fighting? I admired your strength, your resilience, your big heart, and your crazy attitude. You were the only reason I chose life instead of dying a slow and meaningless death that year. I don’t know if I would have survived had you not been there, had you been anyone else. You inspired me to fight hard for life, especially when I saw how much you loved living, how you clung onto life with every tooth and nail. I worked hard to get out of that hospital bed, and it was thoughts of you that accompanied me through every step.
Today, I wonder where you are, how you’re doing, and if you’re still alive. I check the internet for your name, wondering if you’d make the obituary if it happens. I wondered if you’d leave me something in your will like we said we would do so that we’d know if one of us moved on before the other. I’d still like to be buried near you. I’ll always be a silly romantic when it comes to you. I sometimes thought of going to Molly’s or Sequoia on New Years Eve to see if you would show after all these years, and if you didn’t show, I’d just dream up a romantic story to explain your absence.
I knew how much you loved me. Your love for me was painfully heard in your voice on every long distance call, clearly etched on your face, and profoundly felt with every desperate touch. When we said we felt like we had always known each other on that first night we met, I know I meant it. I had fallen in love at first sight, but so much more than that, I felt I was finally made whole that first night… and I didn’t even know I was missing a part of myself until we danced into the morning as the music stopped and the bar emptied out, leaving the two of us, almost strangers, swaying slowly alone on the dance floor.
If you’re still alive, I only hope to see you across a crowded room again, surrounded by oblivious people who could not begin to comprehend the almost religious experience when we lock eyes. You’ve always said that the world stops when our eyes meet. I just want to see that you’re still the same and doing well. We could never touch, or I swear I will fall apart right before your eyes. And if you’re dead, I hope you know how I feel.
Thank you for an amazing life… I am forever indebted to you.
How crazy that, even now, I feel like I’m finally breathing again just surrendering to thoughts of you in my mind.
I think I’m self-medicating.
Randy Newman said it best:
Still in my heart
After all these years
Separated by time
And now by distance
I couldn’t allow myself to feel
The loss that I feel right now
As I put this song downYou’re far away
And happy I know
And it’s a little bit late
Twenty years or so
And it’s a little bit cold
For all those concerned
But I’d sell my soul and your souls for a song
So I’ll pour my heart outI miss you
Photo / image credits: https://tenor.com/view/everything-reminds-me-of-you-raining-rain-drops-gif-7901959; https://nvsi.info/2017/walking-in-the-rain-crying.asp; https://www.instagram.com/p/UrEZ76IYT-/
